August 21, 2012 · 3:20 pm

Sonnets From The Portuguese

Elizabeth Barrett Browning was not a pretty woman.  Even in a time when there isn’t much evidence of pretty women.  But she knew what love was.  She suffered under a difficult father, the loss of her mother, suffered with her health and found solace, salvation and grace in her courtship and marriage to Robert Browning.  I won’t go into her story.  You can find that on Wikipedia.  I did want to share my favorite sonnet.  We are all very familiar with the “How Do I Love Thee?  Let me count the ways.”  sonnet.  Lovely.  That is really the only one I ever knew.  I found myself traveling and had nothing to read, not even a magazine and happened upon a copy of “The Sonnets From The Portuguese” in paperback.  I read them all the way through.  They are not lengthy or difficult.  It took me a couple to get used to her meter.  But then I found myself holding in emotions as I read her verses.  The following Sonnet is my favorite.  I have to read it periodically to remind myself that the connection love brings is all encompassing.  Not merely the physical, but our spirit, our soul are lifted by that grace as well.  This sonnet, since the day I first read it, is dedicated to my life partner, Doug. 

Go from me.

Yet I feel that I shall stand henceforward in thy shadow.

Nevermore alone upon the threshold of my door of individual life, I shall command the uses of my soul, nor lift my hand serenely in the sunshine as before, without the sense of that which I forebore— thy touch upon the palm.

The widest land doom takes to part us, leaves thy heart in mine with pulses that beat double.

What I do and what I dream include thee, as the wine must taste of its own grapes.

And when I sue God for myself, he hears that name of thine, and sees within my eyes the tears of two.

Elizabeth Barrett Browning (1806 – 1861)

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April 9, 2012 · 10:34 pm

Easter Resurrection! Daily

Josie enjoying life, or watching for bunnies, or both!

Yesterday – Easter Sunday, was an amazing day.  We were all up at the crack of dawn.  I love the early mornings during the spring.  I love a bit of chill in the air and cool dew on the grass.  Our yard backs up onto an overgrown hill; overgrown by our own desire.  We see a tiny bit of creation, all year round, living in the brush on our hill.  Bunnies, deer, turkeys, and more species of birds than I can name.  I love watching them come and go.  Their life exists solely to survive.  Eating, sleeping and playing.   I love having a glimpse of their freedom.  We have a new dog in our home, Josie.  She is a border collie/australian shepherd mix.  She is sweet and gentle with everyone, she even grooms the cats if they will hold still long enough.   She is much like the critters outside the house, she eats and sleeps and plays.  She doesn’t worry about her next meal, she isn’t concerned about being on time, she isn’t stressed over bills or kids or any of our worries.  I can’t say for sure, but I believe the only time she is sad is when we are hurting or when she sees us hurt others, when we are not being our best selves.

On Easter, when were all celebrating “Christ Is Risen!” I found myself feeling anxious, and unusually alone.  Alone by my own doing, looking inside myself, re-evaluating myself once again.  I thought of Josie, my border collie and before her was Bessie, my cocker spaniel.  They both look at me with such reverence, with a complete desire to please and do what is right.   There is a sort of covenant between a pet and their owner.  ”I will keep you safe and dry.  I will keep you feed and bathed.  I will take you to the doctor and make sure your needs are met.” and my dog says to me, “I love you, unconditionally, without any reservations or qualifications. Period.”  I’m so grateful for this creature in my life who gives so much of herself, not just to me but our entire family.  I’m sure there is an analogy there if I squint.

Anyway, back to Easter.  We had two beautiful services at church Sunday morning.  The music always transports my heart and deeply touches my soul.  I love seeing friends that I don’t see every week and hugging them tight and saying I love you.  I’ve missed you.  After the first service I was sitting in the sanctuary lost in my head and I looked up at the cross over our alter and felt such a deep sense of having been offered a gift I am not worthy to receive.  I was fighting to accept it.  Why did this weigh so heavy on my heart? And, why was I struggling to accept the sacrifice was for me?  I’ve thought about it all day Sunday and it’s bugged me all day today.  I have come to a conclusion that at least part of my issue is the worry and concern I put on mostly insignificant things.  I allow my focus to be drawn away from the cross to all of these little matters.  My clothes aren’t fitting well, because I’ve lost a good bit of weight.  What do I do?  Look in the mirror and bash myself for looking so baggy in my clothes.  Why not pat myself on the back and wear my baggy clothes as a badge of accomplishment?  All of my friends have said as much.  I waste time worrying about everyone’s problems and trying to be my own sort of ‘savior’ to them.  This has gotten me no closer to the person that my dog and Jesus know that I can be.

My solution:  Look at the bunnies and turkeys outside.  They are not worried or stressed about their clothes or their food or shelter.  Hug my dog and really see that she is focused on loving and doing so unconditionally. I need to constantly let go of the things in life that take my eyes off of the cross and willingly, humbly and gratefully accept the grace Christ has offered to me daily.  I need to see the resurrection daily.  Sometimes I’m guessing it needs to be hourly.  I must, we all must, remember every day that we are each and everyone beautiful children of God.  The homeless man heading towards me hands out for money needs me to stop and really see him there and love him (and give him a McDonald’s gift card); the overbearing ‘know-it-all’ church lady (who intimidates the crap out of me) needs me to love her and know and that her domineering attitude is masking loneliness and resentments of her own; the family member who is quick to remind me that I have let them down, again, and again needs me to look past tiresome comments and see that they really do love me, they just really don’t know how to show it.

It seems so many of us get so bogged down in our own juicy problems and stuff that we forget to not just look at the comfortable safe people in our lives but to also reach out to the uncomfortable people.  Every day, today, now, I must re-remember the sacrifice that was made.  I can spend this day, or even this moment, stuck in my own despair and dis-ease or I can make a step towards the uncomfortable people, towards resolving the uncomfortable truths in myself that I am avoiding, feeling uncomfortable telling someone ”No” if “Yes” means i’m not taking care of myself.  I will take that uncomfortable look at the cross and see that Christ is no longer bound and no longer in pain and I don’t have to be either.

He is risen!  Again.

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February 25, 2012 · 8:22 pm

Josie and the Pussycats

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Josie is an amazing dog. Generous with love, patient and attentive, she was very loved by her former family and it shows. We are all falling head over heels for the giant bundle of fur. The pussycats (Fred and Ming) are not as excited. But at least they are eating again.

Next step, training for agility trials. Training us, not her.

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February 24, 2012 · 5:30 pm

Lenten Observance or New Years Resolution Do-Over?

This week, on Ash Wednesday, we began the season of Lent.  A time traditionally spent in prayer, fasting, and self reflection. 

For at least a few of us this is time of year is also the point that we say “Crap! I have absolutely blown my New Years resolutions and the spiritual discipline of the Lenten season is just the kick in the pants I need!”  I have done this one for years myself.    I had actually thought ”What a blessing!”  I can focus my lenten practice on the stuff I need to do for me.  Could I possibly be missing the point of a Lenten practice?  (could be)

I go into Lent each year with so many good intentions.  Daily devotions, specially sought out prayers I’ll have cleverly scattered throughout the day, fasting, and some form of outreach to the poor and marginalized.  These things would make for a text book perfect Lenten practic.  (Which I’m sure everyone but me experiences annually)  For myself, however, it never seems to go the way I intend.  It is always so easy for my focus to be diverted to someone elses crisis.  It’s the loudest, most whiney, needy person who happens to be at the right place (for them) at the wrong time (for me).  Suddenly I find I am putting aside my own needs or ‘spiritual practice’ to help solve their crisis, fulfill their need and offer some form of service to eliminate the problem keeping their life from being fulfilled.  I am quite convinced that after I have intervened in their lives they will probably reached enlightenment. (maybe not)  How selfless of me, how compassionate I am, how giving I am to others.  HOW STUPID.

After spending too much time and effort enabling the noisy, needy, whiney person on their journey, I am rarely where I need to be for me.  Not the earthly Frank, not the physical Frank, but the inner Frank.  In my very core, where the physical and divine connect there is a sense of loss; an ache at the realization that I have wasted another Lenten season not focused on being in communion with God, not on being God-ward.  For whatever reason, good or bad, I have let other people’s needs alter my path to God.  My proverbial road (of spiritual practice) is a dead end or at least not a ‘road’ leading towards God. 

Is it selfish to tell others “No, I can’t help you right now, I’m working on my soul.”

This year is feels different.  I’m a different Frank.  In so many different ways I am a new me, a changing and growing me.  More than anything I am concious of my faults.  More than ever I am forgiving of them. 

For today, Day 55 of 2012, I am moving and being in the right place and on the right path.  It might be a rocky path or a smooth path, it might be a winding and twisting path or it might be a straight path (well, not straight).   Whatever my next step holds, or my next hour, or day, this moment is blessed and I’m grateful.

Peace.

What does the Lenten season mean to you?  What is your practice?

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February 1, 2012 · 2:26 pm

Pick Yourself Up, Brush Yourself Off and Blah, Blah, Blah

Day 32 – OK 32 days in.  Finished the first month.  This accountability stuff is much harder than I expected.  What have I learned so far? 

I’ve learned that the physical part has been the easiest.  I am really loving the exercise, especially the boot camp on Monday, Wednesday and Friday.   We had been going to the gym and working on weights on Tuesday and Thursday.  BUT, going to the gym every morning at 5am makes Frank a cranky guy about 8:00 at night.

 I’ve learned that it is a constant challenge to mantain the momentum. The first couple weeks I had an electricity in me; I felt a self-motivation I hadn’t experienced in a long time.  I had decided that in 2012 I would push myself to achieve my personal best in all areas of my life.  The year of Frank, the year of boldness and fearlessness.  After a couple weeks  it became, I’ll be Bold when I can get to it and Fearless as soon as I finish this one project or meeting, but then when i’m tired or weary I find I don’t have the energy to stand up for myself at crucial moments when I should.  Just over 30 days into my New Year my fire is dwindling to an faintly glowing ember.  

Apparently I’ve gotten off track somewhere.  

I’t probably started by my giving up a moment of my life that I should have kept for myself.  I said ‘Yes, I will take on your problem’ when I should have said.  ”I’m sorry I can’t fit that into my schedule.”  Balance seems to be the key.  Finding a balance in life.  Hmmm.  Any ideas?

One of the things I’ve read, that really speaks to me, is the idea that we have the capability of changing our outlook by changing a single thought.  For example, I have gained 5 pounds because I planned my diet poorly this week.  I’ve spent the last 3 or 4 days clouded in a depression that I let my eating get off track.  The depression makes me care less about working on my spirituality. (what’s the use? I’ve already messed up.) Suddenly I’m in a despair spiral and nothing seems worthwhile.  I am an expert at beating myself up when I have screwed up.  

Today, my work is to try to change that ‘dispair thinking’ and see this as a new opportunity.  The weather is mild enough that I can jog or walk TONIGHT after choir.  I’ll make better food decision’s for TODAY.  I need to simply focus on what I can do for today.  The blessing in this is the opportunity to forgive myself and move forward. 

Thank you to those of you who follow along and thank you for your words of encouragement and support.

Peace.

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January 18, 2012 · 4:05 pm

Day – 18 I forgot to “Be Still and Know”

Last Sunday, the 15th, the pastor at my church, Belmont United Methodist, gave a very moving sermon entitled Waking Up our Spiritual Senses.   What I got out of it was that I needed to be intentional about making time to be still and listen for God.  To be quiet inside my head and out.  Time to be alone with God and say “Here I am Lord” and simply let that presence fill me up.  It inspired me so much I was frantically writing notes on my church bullentin so I would remember what to do.  I left the service, chatted with a few friends, hugged some folks and headed home to spend a wonderful afternoon with my daughter.

My daughter is 22.  She lives on her own and works to make her way.  So I don’t see her as often as I like.  We actually work at the same company, but that does not translate into us spending time together.  We didn’t do alot, we ate pizza, watched a movie and chatted about stuff.  It was a wonderful time to be together. 

Time alone with God so far:  0 minutes

Katie left to spend time with her friends and I went about preparing for work then following day.  I did laundry, cleaned the kitchen, did the dishes, walked the dog, and chatted with my brother on the phone.  Doug came home and our 2 other kids came home and we all spread around the house watching TV, playing XBox games, surfing the internet.  By 9:30 I was exhausted and laid my head down and went to sleep.

Time alone with God on Sunday:  0 minutes

Monday - Was up at 4:15 and then again at 4:30.  Off to boot camp to keep my heart healthy and get my body in good shape.  Off to work; Monday’s are busy day’s no time to stop, I did manage to read MLK’s I Have A Dream speech so I could tell myself I did celebrate the day.   Got home and prepared a quick meal for Doug, my brother and myself.  My brother used to be a hair stylist so I am lucky enough to still get free cuts.  I cook him dinner to show him that I appreciate his time.  Then get ready for tomorrow; (your getting the routine now right?) Put away the leftovers, clean the dishes, clean the kitchen, feed the animals, prepare lunch for tomorrow, make sure I don’t need to iron for tomorrow, etc.  I can’t be the only one with this routine.

Time alone with God on Monday:  0 minutes

Tuesday – Same as Monday only slightly different.  But, not too much different so I won’t bore you with the details.

Time alone with God on Tuesday:  0 minutes

Wednesday – Same routine, gym, home, shower, dress, off to work, breakfast, work, snack, work.   Then lunch time came and I realized I left my lunch in the floor board of my car.  Went and got it and found the church bulletin from Sunday. 

(SMACK me upside the head – or hayed in some TN counties)

I read my notes and realized I had not really spent one minute on being “with God”.  Really got me to thinking about how much I avoid alone time with myself, not to mention God. 

I thought about my schedule for the remainder of today.  After getting up at 4:30 and going to the gym and coming to work I leave at 4 to meet with Em, then I have a committee meeting at church and choir rehearsal after that until 9pm.   With barely 5 minutes between each event.  I realize I paint myself into a proverbial corner, schedule-wise, on many days.  I am in contact with God often.  I talk to him throughout the day.  I pray and ask for guidance.  I ask him to keep me from injuring potential ex-employees.  I ask for his blessings and say thank you often for his unending grace.  But not once do I simply sit and “be with God” or at least let him say “You’re welcome”. 

I’m thinking, (and I”m gonna ask Em about this today!) that some of this is self esteem issues.  At least as far as avoiding alone time.  I’ll report back after I’ve chatted with her this afternoon.

But the God issue worries me far more.  I have to find time in my life to be intentional about making quiet time to be with God and let him do all the talking.   Empty myself from my worries and concerns and simply be a vessel. 

Yesterday I listened to Fresh Air on NPR.  Terry Gross interviewed author Ayad Akhtar about his new book American Dervish.  The book, a novel about a young muslim boy growing up in America, sounds interesting, but what I remember the most is that he said he spent one hour each day in prayer and meditation.  Terry Gross sounded as astonished as I was and asked how he managed to fit in an hour long prayer time each day.  He said “it’s easy when you’ve been doing it for 20 years”.

So, thinking back to all the 12 step meetings I’ve been to (I’ll talk about that in another post) I thought of one of what I call bumper-sticker sayings; “Seek Progress Not Perfection”.  This may be where I have to start.  Maybe I can’t be alone with God, or even myself, for an hour.  Before I started boot camp ,in November, I couldn’t walk a mile without getting out of breath and now I can run a mile (though it does take me almost as long as some people could walk it).

Seek Progress, Not Perfection.  I’m off to see Em.

Peace.

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January 13, 2012 · 12:12 pm

Day 13 – Where Did The Week Go?

Today is Friday the 13th.  If I were superstitious I would go home, hop in bed and pull the covers over my head.  I’m not superstitious.  I believe all that occurs in our world is a result of cause and effect, decision and consenquences of decisions, even understandings and misunderstandings.  I didn’t always feel that way.  I used to be horribly superstitious and believed that luck was just not on my side, or the fates were against me, or it wasn’t in the cards for me.  (Choose any or all of the above)

I went through my life hiding behind a mask.  I was the solver!  If we had a problem, I could find the solution, usually involving me working longer and solving the problem myself.  Inside I was petrified that, first of all, I would be found out to be as stupid as I thought I was, or second, I would royally mess everything up, causing financial loss for whomever I was helping and be shown as the idiot I always suspected I was.  This developed from a skewed sense of who I was and wasn’t.  Self-esteem or a lack of it.

Many times I would avoid making a decision, at work or at home, simply because I was afraid it would be the wrong answer.  (this is the codepency – in all it’s icky-ness) Those readers who have known me for any lengthy amount of time, especially co-workers, can testify to my inability to chose a place to eat.  The fun part is when my brother and I are trying to decide together.  It’s like a Laurel and Hardy sketch (Google them if you are under 30).  “What do you want to eat Olly? -  Well Stanley, I don’t know, what do you want to eat?” “I’ll have whatever you’d like Olly” – “No, I insist Stanley, you decide”.  It can drive a person to madness being so indecisive.  Again, telling myself I am not capable of making a reasonable decision.

Doug and I awoke this morning to a very, very thin layer of snow and a bit of ice on the ground and roads.  It was 4:15 and we started the “are we going to boot-camp or not” conversation.  I fell into step as if I had never heard the words Bold and Fearless before.  “I can do whatever you want to do!”  Being this indecisive is so not fair to others or to myself.

In the beginning (according to my Bible) God put Adam and Eve in the garden and they didn’t know they were naked, they just lived in blissful ignorance of anything icky. (apparently my word for day)  Then the serpent came along and convinced Adam and Eve. (I refuse to blame all of life’s woe’s on Eve – they both took a bite)  When they took that bite their eyes were opened to ALL of the world around them and also they realized could see “the outsides of their insides” (to be delicate).  So they covered their outsides with fig leaves (which are kind-of scratchy and not comfy, there had to be softer leaves – i digress).  My point in all of this twisty-curvy road of dialogue is to say that even in the beginning we had a choice.  Eve could have said NO, Adam could have said NO.  The snake could have just sat and smoked his hooka pipe and left everybody alone.

Our lives are constantly filled with choices and consequences and results from those choices.  Right now my choice is to listen to Neil Diamond sing “Sweet Caroline” - it reminds me of my Mom and my brother in the car singing it together.  This choice has brought me happy thoughts and memories and I choose to be grateful for that and enjoy this moment.  (Again, I digress – Anyone who has been in Disciple Bible Study with me knows this is not unusual.)

The important thing for me to remember is that the choice is always mine to make.  Sometimes my choices will be bad and I will suffer the consequences for that choice and hopefully, if it’s God’s will, there will be times I will enjoy the consequences and be blessed.

Realizing that I have this gift of free will, to chose which path my life will take gives me a sense of freedom, like a deep cleansing breath (the kind where I don’t need my inhaler).  This taps into each of the goals on my list.  I have to make an intentional choice when it comes to my eating routine.  Make specific goals and choices when it comes to my spiritual growth, like reading a daily devotional.  And deciding to get out of bed at 4:15 to go to the gym and let a sweet, kind, young girl turn my arms and legs into mush. (big fun!)

The other reality with choices is putting them into action.  There will be times that my choice is not the choice others would have me make.  What then?  I suspect there will be people who think I’m becoming selfish, only doing what I feel I want to do, not seeing it’s what I should do.  I hope that’s not the case, but standing by my decision is important too.  It shows me that my decision or choice has value, validity.   Showing conviction in my decisions is one of the key elements to rebuilding self-esteem or self-worth.  Basically, my choice (or decision) becomes a promise I have made to myself, a covenant if you will.  As I continue making those small promises and, more importantly, keeping them.  I will find that I actually believe I’m worth keeping them for.  Therein lies the Grace. 

When my daughter was born I knew at that moment the love that God has for me.  Throughout her life my relationship with God has grown, because I learned how his unconditional grace and love allows for missteps.  My daughter would make a decision I was not pleased with; sometimes I got upset and ranted and raved, but always in the end  I held her, comforted her, and loved her.  She showed me that God’s grace is the same, unending and always there if you only reach out and accept it.  You are worth accepting it, I am worth accepting it.

This week I have looked back and wondered why my last post was on Sunday!  I missed posting for 4 days.  I really anticipated this being a daily post, and I hope it comes to that, but for now I have had to make daily decisions (choices) to write a blog or be in personal fellowship with my family, my church and my friends.  It was the right choice.  And now I choose this moment of fellowship with you.

Please feel free to share your thoughts in the comments sections below.  I would love us to be in dialogue with each other.  Let me know where you are in your journey or feel free to share other insights on here so my other 3 readers can see your thougts too!

Peace.

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